Life, Lessons, and Lanes
Hello Beloved Friends and Yogins,
Happy July from Hades with daily temps over 107! I hope your part of the planet is more pleasant than the desert southwest.
And that my friends brings me to today’s point. There are some things, actually many things we can’t do a damn thing about, like the weather, unless of course you’re interested in helping to mitigate global warming, but I digress. Onto the three L’s.
Life Act I:
(Current Situation)
Grown child number one, who is in fact, child number two “Mama, I have a really hard, important decision to make and I’m struggling a bit” “Thank you for sharing, do you want to talk about it, or would you like my advice?” “No” “OK”.
Grown child number two, who is actually child number one “Mama something’s happened and I’m really in pain right now” “I’ll be right over” “No” “OK”
Lesson:
Long ago and far away I had a partner who was prone to prolonged bouts of despair so intense that he was largely incapable of functioning on all but the lowest of levels. For the first few years I could see the cloud coming like The Nothing from The Never-ending Story and I would use everything in my power to try and pull him back so he didn’t get sucked in and disappear from me for weeks on end; of course to no avail. It took another few years to recognize that not only had I failed in drawing him back toward the light but that I too had been swallowed by an indescribable darkness, and there we wallowed together until a small glimmer of light broke. But guess what else broke; yup you guessed it, me. Every time I saw the spiral begin to take hold and tried to grab him back only to be sucked into the void again, another piece of me died. Every time I/we emerged from the fourth circle of hell together I swear I was a little bit shorter, 5 years older, dejected, and certainly road worn. I asked my partner numerous times to seek help for what we had no idea at the time was probably fairly easily diagnosable but it wasn’t the path he chose. So I had my own decision to make.
I knew one thing, that in the fabric of my own being I’m a generally joyful person, and once I was ready to reclaim that, I was on the road. I had begun to meditate and learned that the wellspring of joy that I have in me is mine alone to tap if I wish, and boy how I wished for it right then. I won’t say it was easy, but once I made that decision, from that day on, when I sensed The Nothing come looming I could literally step aside and not let it take me. My joy was and is my own birthright and I’ll not give it up to somebody else’s misery. Oh yes we do have that choice, the choice to be sovereign over our own experience, feelings, and moods while loving another. I stopped throwing myself on the fire to save him and I stopped going in with him. I let him go and lived my life with him but stayed in my joy; remember I said it wasn’t easy but it is doable. This is the part where most stories end with…and my behavior also had an effect on his, nope, and that didn’t matter *see below - lanes.
Life Act II:
A few teenage years later, child number one was having some severe struggles and we were all deep in it. Now, I’ve heard it said more than once “You’re only as happy as your unhappiest child” Well, Fk that! Of course I’m human, and I’m a mother but if you know anything about me you know I’m a learner, I work hard and try to grow in this classroom called life. So when my child was in crisis I was able to at least walk upright and function. Yes, I cried and agonized each day, but I also drew upon the lessons I had learned from previous experience and found moments of true joy. I kept professional when teaching my students and didn’t burden them with my woes, in fact teaching yoga was my lifeline at the time, it helped me get out of my small self and step into Self in service of others. In deep grief, I was still able to hold onto me, do the work I’m meant to do, even if it meant just walking through each minute to the next despite the surprise waves of emotion that would take my knees out for a few moments each day. In this case, thankfully we came back around but it took the better part of 7 years; imagine if I had sacrificed all of my own happiness for all that time!
Q - So how the hell does one do this?
Lanes
A - You stay in your own damn lane.
Wait, what? How? What does that even look like? What’s a lane? Which one is mine? How do I watch somebody I love struggle and do nothing about it?
Y’all probably drive cars, right? So you know what a driving lane is, and you know that when you start to drift into a lane that isn’t your own, all kinds of bedlam can ensue, well it’s the same with people, yes, even the people you love. My mother wasn’t known for her sage wisdom or anything, after all, this was the woman who taught me how to hide the cigarette smoke when I wanted to sneak a puff in the school bathroom. But once in a while she’d offer a pearl, like when I was railing over one injustice or another (passionate child I was), she'd calmly say, “Manda, I can only live one life at a time” and that’s when her stoicism served me.
Truth is, we can each only live one life, and that in itself is hard enough. We benefit all others when learning when and how to offer help and when to shut the hell up! It is actually a gift to tell a loved one “I know you’re struggling now but I have every faith that you possess the strength and wisdom to get through this.” “ I’m here if/when you need me” “I’ll only give you the help you ask for” “Can’t talk, only text? OK” “Can’t communicate at all?” “Ok, I’ll be holding you in my heart and here when you’re ready.” I was given this gem by a therapist years ago “I have some thoughts on that, would you like to hear them?” absolute gold!
Say whatever you can to support and then MOVE out of their way and go take care of yourself, whatever that means to you. Your ego may be bruised because you’re a “helper” and they may feel more comfortable reaching out to somebody else “Ouch” but whatever it is, whatever form it takes, it’s imperative at this moment that you get squarely in your own lane and engage in the practices that restore your joy and ballast. Now, you think I’m gonna say, “Because when they come back and they need you, you’ll be ready” but I’m not. You see it’s not really staying in your own lane if the purpose is still holding out hope for a certain outcome for another; we still don’t get to drive their car. Tricky business this self awareness is, no? You stay in your lane and practice the best self care you can for you, because it’s healthier for all involved to be the captain of your own journey, end of story.
And when and if they come back, let them steer the conversation and offer what they want, even if it’s nothing at all, ever. It’s not as if we can’t help our loved ones but asking permission is a beautiful practice.
“The best I can do for you is to take good care of me”
AF Yoga
This blog post was written by Amanda Freed, founder of Primordial Power Coaching and expert in corporate culture training, yoga, meditation and event presentations. Reach out to book a session with Amanda today.
